So, like I’ve written previously, I am still looking for a job. Even though last March has been a month of no news in which I’ve become a new trash in the family (what to do, the spirit of sloth is taking my body! *shot), I still tried to not give up by sending job application. One of them is to be an elementary or junior high school teacher. I got no response. And then April came, new opportunities were born. I tried again and waited for news. My sister who saw me like this was sad because I looked so pitiful that she began job hunting too to help me (she has been recently hired). And she found me a job at the place she previously interned.

And then, last week, opportunity shows its way in front of me.

The place where I applied to be a teacher called me for an interview (seeing it is near the end of school’s term (June), it’s perfectly understandable that they decided to process my application now). I am beyond happy because I really love being a teacher. I don’t know whether I am a good teacher but the idea really made me happy. I don’t even care if the pay is small.

But I have agreed to attend an interview at the place my sister offered me. The company is small and in another city than my hometown; but they are really solid and have managed to grow for years. I didn’t want to waste my sister’s effort and good will and so I decided to come for an interview with that company to fill the position as receptionist. A receptionist. Not that I don’t like it, I believe I can pull it off nicely; maybe a little bit hard at first, but that’s why we learn right?

And so I asked the school that has offered me an interview whether my interview can be rescheduled; she said it could and she gave me next Tuesday. Since the interview will be done in another city also, that means, if I am accepted (amen), I will work not in my hometown.

And then there’s another job that I’ve applied to in the beginning of April; it’s a government company and I applied as a Marketer. The placement is all over Indonesia. The result should has been out but they kept delaying the announcement.

So either way, I will leaves home to work in somewhere far away. It’s always been my dream to work far from home. I want to see how I will grow. I want to appreciate home more by being away from it.

With three paths opened, I chose to respect my sister and come to the interview as receptionist. The interview is not strict, it seems fast but in fact it’s almost two hours. Apparently, this position is urgently needed there and after they interviewed me, they agreed to let me work there to my surprise! It is the first second time I almost get a job! Almost, because I need to do me a medical checkup (mcu). With that being said, they sent me to hospital the next day, and after the result is received, they will call me. That is if I am healthy. I think I am normal, though I never checked before due to financial problem. I think the result will be out tomorrow (Monday).

And suddenly I am afraid. Yesterday the fact hasn’t really sunk on me. I am gonna get a job. But not a job that I’d be happy about. The only one from the three that I gladly applied is being a teacher. But here I am, almost got a job as a receptionist if everything went okay.

My worrywart mind keep making things up, even though nothing has been decided. I am afraid. What if I don’t fit in well. I never fit in well. If it does happen, I know what will I do though; I will ignore and endure it. But it is suffocating. What if I cannot do the job well? I have to pretend to be happy because I am the first image of the company; but I am not a happy-go-lucky person. And what if people rarely visited or called the company, will I get bored? I don’t want to do nothing because it made me giddy and felt useless. I want to keep busy and so I hope the job turns out pretty hectic (I hope). I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to make my sister’s name bad. So many worrying things that I even wished the result of mcu is bad just so to make them decide to cancel their decision to hire me.

I tried to be positive; it’s a learning process; you can’t keep being sheltered all your life, right? it’s okay to get hurt; you just need to get back up again. Remember, even if we don’t fit it, if we can find at least one person to talk to, everything will be okay. etc, etc, I tried to cheer up myself but those worrying things kept swimming in my head. It’s no use. I avoid being hurt for years by becoming an ignorant person. So, it’s not okay to get hurt; I don’t want to fall just to get back up again! I’ve already standing, so don’t make me fall again!- Things like that. I know it’s pretty stupid and depressing. I felt so low for thinking like that, but it’s a fact; it’s the kind of person I am. Life has molded me and my reaction to it created the person I am now- the person that I’ve accepted, but sometimes also hated.

And so, I pray again. “Help me, God. Help me.” and I cry it out to Him a thousand of ‘help me’. I know he heard me, but I can’t hear his reply at all. I know it’s my fault. I need to strengthened my soul and spirit. I’ve been too far away from it for years.

And while I waited for Monday to come, yesterday the job from the government informed the applicants that the result has been published. And apparently I got in. And today I did the online test for that job. The result will be out 14 work days later, which means it’s pretty much a ‘good bye’ (because somehow I’m pretty sure I score that receptionist job or if not, the teacher one #I sound arrogant right now).

And now comes Monday. Will they call me, tell me I got in? Because then like it or not I have to accept it. I already said in interview that I will accepted the job that hired me first, an answer that I copied from my second sister (she taught me). It’s not wrong, if only there are no other options.

But I’ve decided, if they didn’t call me on Monday until 1 PM, then I guess they didn’t want me. I would be rolling back to my hometown at 3 PM because Tuesday I have another interview for my teacher application.

I hope it is not a bad decision.

Phew, now that I’ve let it out, I am a little bit relief. I am really a coward, am I not?

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