Haha, today’s post is about what happened in my life. Really, I really need to get it out of my system.

2015.05.23 06.15 AM – Indonesia, Bandung

Yep. Finally. For 2 semesters. But only the DRAFT!!!! My supervisor has yet to read it. And I don’t know what will he comment… will there be many parts that I have to revise? He said he will tell me once he finishes read it. And that will today.

He once said that my work is actually good; just that I don’t have any confidence that it’s been good. Well, yeah, I made it, of course I feel that there’s always something lacking in it.

My rambling feels incomplete when I only tell what happened yesterday (15.05.22). So, let me retell the story from the beginning about my irresponsibility.

Because my family has financial problem, I cannot afford to study more than necessary. The normal course take 4 years to be completed but anyone can make it 3.5 years if they try. I plan on making it 3.5 years as well. But because of my late realization and adaptation in the first semester, I could not take more credit in the second semester. I made up for it in the next semester, and the next one, and I kept doing that until finally in the seventh semester, I could take undergraduate thesis course but along with some other courses that I have not taken yet.

If it was that smooth, I should have graduated last February this year. However, my life was pretty fucked up at that time and I kept getting sidetrack. I didn’t make my undergraduate thesis (UT) at all for two or more (?) months. Yeah, I searched for the material, but I only read them a little and saved more material (that in the end, most of them I didn’t read back).

I didn’t write it down. Just thinking what I should write. I kept making sketch of my UT even though I’ve already made the outline in the beginning of seventh semester and it’s already been approved by my supervisor.

I was irresponsible.

I could blame it to my situation at that time, but still… it is a fact that I didn’t make them.

At that time, I have war with my father. I really could not tolerate his behaviour anymore. I said to him I would not talk to him at all. And I really did it.

But I am a peace-lover at heart; that war has made my mind and heart unstable. I even almost thought that I should just flunk. My education is no longer important. And that was so unlike me at all. I always think education is important, ever since I was little since I was taught by my father like that.

‘No matter what, you have to go to school. No matter what. you have to study. No matter what’

And I really mean it. I have no money? There’s always a way to study. Just go. Just study. That was what has been happening of my life until the beginning of university’s life. But sometimes life is so cruel and at one point, I realized that even if I want to study, but I don’t have money, I will be banned from school.

I cried. But my family’s situation was like that. Even if he insisted I need to go to school, he could not pay for it. What if I were banned? And when I pressured him to pay, no matter what, he dodged me.

He freaking avoided me. Not avoid me per se; but he didn’t answer me. He ran away from his responsibility. He let the world slap me on the face meanwhile he hid himself behind the screen of his smartphone.

Remembering them will always bring me to tears. I really hate my incapacity. I really hate it when I cannot do things I suppose to do.

I wanted to scream! (still am, sometimes). I wanted to say: “LIFE IS NOT FAIR!” but I already knew it.

And so, with a burden in my heart, and strong commitment not to talk to him, I let my education unattended. And December comes. I still have nothing. And my supervisor is the type who gives freedom to his students. And I? I am the type who always run by the deadline. I am deadliners. I could not do it without the deadline.

December had reminded me of the deadline and so I freaked out. I contacted my supervisor, and he said he was okay with email-to-email consultation because there would be long holiday. Even if I were to interrupt his holiday with his family in Jakarta (it is another city. Mine is Bandung), he was fine he said. He would meet up with me if I come.

Yet, I could not finish a single chapter. I did it randomly. Whenever I found  new information, I put them in the chapter where they belong. So, I wrote for all the chapters, but I never could finish them. They were always incomplete. So, no email-to-email consultation with him. No meeting either during holiday.

Then, BAM, the deadline comes. It was 5 January. I had not finished it, so I resigned myself to extend my semester (even though I had been preparing all the conditions non-UT necessary to submit the UT).

Yeah, my foolishness made me miserable.

But God showed me a chance. That the deadline was extended until 23 January, just before the next semester started. What a joy!

I tried again. This time, I really did it (even though I kept getting sidetrack from time to time too). I met up with my supervisor and we looked at my work together. Well, just in a flash. Because they are incomplete chapters. He don’t want to read it in its entirety if they are incomplete.

And the deadline was approaching again. I tried so hard to meet it. I told him I could do it. And he agreed to let me submitted the UT without him reading my UT in its entirety due to time’s limit. I worked for it, completing parts that has not completed.

It was 3 AM in the morning. I had not slept. I was wide awake for days, and still was that day. There’s still parts that I didn’t know what to do with it. I haven’t made the bibliography. Even if I could finish it by the morning, I still have to print it, make it three copies, and bind the UT. How many hours would that take?

Even after binding the UT, I still have to search my supervisor and the head of my department for approval. Will they be there? Will the time suffice? Can I finish all of them before 3 PM?

I didn’t think so. So, when the time has shown me 5 AM and I was still writing, I stopped. I texted my supervisor, saying that it was apparent I could not do what I’ve been telling myself. I said thank you for his kindness and then resigned myself to extend the next semester.

I cried. Real hard. I have waste the chance that God has given me. I have  been wasting that. And then I was confused and scared; who would pay for my education? Who would?

I kept blaming myself. Well, it was my fault. I kept getting sidetrack in the midst of my writing time. My heart has become more dark time to time due to my one sided-war. And that day, all of it flowing out. I cried until my eyes swollen. I cried until my eyes and nose red. I cried, I wanted to slap myself.

And so the cold caught me. I was down for more than two weeks. But I have calmed down the moment my tears dried. Life has not been over yet.

My eldest sister who have been paying for my education then have a change of mind. She said she would pay for me again; she bailed me out again. And I am thankful for that. I really am.

But my foolishness repeated. I did that again. Not writing, not even opening what I’ve been working last semester. I did other things. Until the new deadline comes… 25 May.

And I knew I just have to add a little. So I did. And I erased what I could not find. And there… the draft.

FINALLY!! And my burden suddenly feel light. Half of it has gone.

And another one added. Since I am ignorant, I do not read the announcement about the deadline or whatsoever. I rarely goes to campus after all. I don’t know that if I want to make it in time, submitting my UT on 25 May, 21 May is the last day to request for my study development paper. And I request it on 22 May. I was late by one day!

Damn. Looks like I haven’t learnt my lesson. This is gonna be hard.

Surprisingly, it did not blow me like I predicted. I feel fine. I don’t think it is such a big problem. Apparently, since I’ve been reconciled with my father (well, I am still not going to talk to him more than necessary), my stable mind has returned. Maybe that’s why I took the news so lightly.

Now what’s on mind is what will become of my UT under his revision. Will there be revision at all or will he let me print it and then do what necessary to submit the UT? If there are revisions, how many? how fatal?

Uh… I really have no idea. I hope everything turns out all right. So now, I am waiting for his text…